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Picking a Life Partner

Picking a Life Partner

This is one of the best articles I’ve come across recently. Really breaks down for you why people and how people should be getting into relationships. It will highlight some things for you that you don’t realize are important but really should be considering. READ. 

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The Meaning of being alone

The truth is, I have not yet been alone since high school.

I think ever since C, my first “official” boyfriend, there has always been someone by my side. Officially or un-officially, I always had a boy that I could count on. Whether or not it was by choice or falling into it, I am not sure if I know how to be alone.

When I look back at all my relationships, the start, middle and end is always the same. The beginning or the honeymoon phase, It’s exciting with the constant texting/calling and what was better than getting to know another stranger that also wanted to get to know you? Usually this phase will determine whether or not we get into a relationship. Then comes the middle phase or as I like to call it, “the companionship” phase is when I really know the person, I am comfortable with them and there is no restraints as I am not a type of person to hold back. This is also the phase when the restlessness starts. The end phase always ends the same way, me being tired of the relationship or cannot try anymore.

I usually start questioning the relationship somewhere during the companionship phase. “Is he right for me?” “Why don’t I see a future with him?” “Does he not have the qualities that I like?” “I deserve better” My disastifaction with the relationship really starts to set in during this phase but due to an innate fear of being alone or not knowing how, this stage drags on till we hit the end phase.

In my life, I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends. First being C, the puppy relationship in high school that ended up lasting longer than it should. Then came R, who thought I was his soul mate until my constant “we don’t have a future” reminders brought him to the point of cheating. Of course, I would like to say I was a bigger woman and dumped his ass but no, for the fear of being alone, I tolerated him until I found J. The common theme is.. there has been no period where I was alone. I had J before I broke up with R and I think that has always been the case.

This is not to say I never liked or love the person. I just think that I don’t enough thought into who I want to be with because the urge to be with someone or fear of being alone outweighs the cons of whether or not the person is right for me. The regret and doubt always comes later and by that time, I feel like I owe it to give the relationship a chance for how much I have invested into it.

Not knowing how to be alone.. this revelation only REALLY came to me recently. I don’t know how to deal with the feeling loneliness and when I think about it, I slightly panic. But this time, it’s different. I am on a very determined mindset to be alone and REALLY be alone.

Of course, I am still in the middle of an “end phase” right now. J has been the last boyfriend I had. We broke up and during my “1 month” of being single, I missed him and we were trying to work it out again. However, during my 1 month of being alone.. we were still talking every single day. I cannot deny to say I will have feelings for him but there was a reason why we broke up in the first place and that was because we weren’t a good fit.

Until I am happy with myself, content to be myself, I will never be satisfied with the mate I have because I cannot identify what is a good mate when being dependent is all I know. I feel like I owe it to myself and my future whoever to appreciate the relationship rather to blame it for my shortcomings.

In no way do I expect this path to be easy. Especially for someone like me who is dependent on others, I expect to have weaknesses. However, I am determined to give myself a fighting chance because let’s face it, if I don’t do it now, when will I ever be able to do it?

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New Year’s (REALISTIC) Resolutions

It’s 2014, biatches and big things are coming! 

…. is what I would have said if I was still 21 and still had hopeless ambitions on what I want to complete in my year. Honestly, I am not sure what it is about new year’s, it really does instill a sense of fresh and hope for a year when really, the difference between December 31st, and Jan 1st is the same as any other two days in question. 

Well, for me, this year not so much as I had spent the new years in Sunny California and with the time difference there, you could really say I rang in New Years twice this year. Even now that new year has been over for 12 days, I am still holding onto that newness nostalgia we called new years. Of course, I was drunk as heck at that point so that excitement and absolutely thrill I felt at new years could have been contributed to that.

However, back to the real purpose of this post, New year resolutions. A “false” sense of goals that one goes through every  new year, I say false because January is the month you see an overabundance of “resolutioners”  in the gym and lists being put up, give it 2 months and I will not wait 2 hours for a treadmill again. (lying here, I don’t go to the gym.. but I am assuming!) 

So that is it, I don’t want to lull myself into a false sense of resolutions this year beause for 1) the more unrealistic resolutions are, the more unhappy I get as the year goes on because I am no way close to filling them. 2) It is easier to give up on them or by telling yourself ” its okay, they were too hard anyways, next year”. I for no, am not falling into this fallacy again. 

Instead, I have made a pact with a friend to make 5 SMART goals–an idea I got from goal setting at work actually. Yes, I guess those evaluation forms they have us to fill out are quite handy sometimes. SMART stands for “Specific, Measurable, attainable, relevant, and timebound. Here are 5 I think that I would like to accomplish this year: 

1) Learn conversational Spanish – With the help of duolingo, this is actually quite fun.  

2) Run a 10k AND OR Tough Mudder – Well, I finished the Spartan race last year.. how hard can this be, right…? 

3) Learn how to be by myself for a year – From someone who has not yet been single since high school, this may be one of the most difficult tasks at hand. Being alone and being okay with myself are two very different things, I will elaborate on this in another post sometime.

4) Get a USA CPA / some form of a license – I will be receiving my official CA sometime in August (FINGERS CROSSED) and hopefully, I will add something onto this plate. This may need to be refined a little depending on what the next goal as well. 

5) Get a new job by the end of this year – As much as I love my current team, I know for sure I do not want to stay in audit forever. Once I qualify, I hope to leave right away. 

And goals for 2015 (yes, I am THAT ambitious) – 1) find an overseas opportunity 2) Down payment on a house/ life insurance policy or something big. 

Of course, I have also more general goals like: get better posture, be a better family member, eat healthier, be a better person blah blah blah. The way I intend to keep to these type of goals is just to be more aware of what I do when I do it. I have already tried limiting my calories intake and just trying to sit and stand better. 

Goals are hard, no doubt. I think the only way to continue to make sure you are on track is to always monitor them and to not let them slip your mind. Human conditions allows us to make a goal and forget them as quickly as they come. 

2013.. that year end reflection will come another time. For now, let’s focus on 2014! Happy new years, everyone! 

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day 33 – Sometimes, it’s about giving a shit.

Everyone has that one friend who is the one who keeps you in check. The one who makes the harsh calls when you can’t do it for yourself, the voice of reason that can really suck and the one who will slap you silly when you are making a dumb decision. That’s my dear friend, D.

A bit of background on D–probably one of the most ambitious smartest people I know. a little bit wimpy when I first met him, but man oh man, is he successful now. In fact, it used to be me giving him the pep talks when he was in a rut and I would like to think I contributed a bit to his ever growing success of a person.

Sometimes, I hate talking to D. Because he is the realest voice of them all. He brings up the harsh facts that I know and SHOULD do but unwilling to face and the warnings that I shouldn’t make dumb choices even if my hand is already on the trigger. But in the end, he makes me want more–because he always tells me “you are one of the smartest people I know, you deserve the best”. 

That’s why it is very hard to tell him the inadequacies I have been feeling lately. The lack of passion, drive, mundane lifestyle that I am facing. I’ve been putting off on meeting him because I know he’s going to give me that look I hate, which translates into “wtf are you doing type of look?” It’s a look we both know well and definitely ignites a heat worthy conversation.

Anyways, I slightly dreaded our meeting today. I knew I would started getting a bit amped up and defensive again but it didn’t turn out that way. In fact, some of the things we talked about were very thought provoking and I ended up feeling better after our conversation. Like he said, life is a marathon, not a race. He knows that I am frustrated with where I am but what I am putting in are stepping stones for a better future. With those words, I felt much better than how I felt this morning. Anyways, I came back from work and he sent me this email:

I can’t speak for you, but maybe you just need that kick in the pants.

 I can puff my chest now and say I had an amazing year, but I will never forget what the trigger point.

 I was so painfully in love with someone, I was compelled to run away when it was unrequited.

 Ultimately, it’s not just about finding your passion or believing in something – it’s about giving a crap and burdening yourself with something. If you’re unwilling to carry someone/something on your back, then that fire will never spark and the fuel you put into growing a passionate fire is just wasted, because it will sizzle.

 SO GIVE A DAMN – someone or something. You don’t need to love everything you do, but it’s important to throw yourself into it.”

There is no advice realer than that.

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day 30 – the shy one

I never thought I was the shy type. My close friends / same age work friends always referred me as the “life of the party” or the outgoing loud crazy Asian girl. I always like a good time and always down to PARTAYYYY.

However, there is a disclaimer note to that. I am only un-shy around certain types of people. First of all, I am unshy around my close friends, obviously. I have the world’s biggest potty mouth and I don’t have filteres when it comes to my friends and family. I am also un-shy around people that I find boring. Okay, let me take a step back. What I mean is people that I perceive as less spontaneous than me–nerdy work people, older adults, people that I don’t perceive as threatening–I feel like I almost gloat around how much fun I have something. Obviously, an issue I will go into more details in a later time. 

Now, who am I shy around then? People that I perceive are powerful and extremely good looking people. Call me shallow, but I definitely have an inferior complex when it comes to this type of people. I feel more nervous, feel small and diminished.. all because I perceive these people to be so much “Better” than me. 

For example, in work environments, I have a very hard time speaking up to managers / senior people that I find intimidating.I will keep thinking and overthink even if I have an opinion to voice. On a more personal level, give a perfect example of the day–there was an extremely good looking guy on the train today. I felt him looking over and smiled at me but I didn’t even have the guts to smile back and I just looked down at my phone the entire time! By the time I looked up again, he was gone.

This is obviously a case of weird confidence / ego issue I have going here. I think maybe I perceive these people to be so powerful/ good looking–qualities that I desire for, that I get absolutely flabberghasted when I am in the presence of these people. I think what I really need to do is start speaking up more. Start with the small stuff, say hi, how do you do, smile, … you iknow, regular people things while keeping in mind that in the end, they are people too. They only have a godly complex because I make them out to be. 

We can keep the eye oogling/ sexy looks for later.

day 29 – those little things

My mother is the mothers of all mothers. Her life is about me and brother–absolutely no lie. She constantly frets about us, wakes up early just to make me breakfast, will call me after work to see if I need a ride… wow, even writing about this makes me feel like I am in middle school again. She constantly nags and bitches about our life habits, but my mother has the heart of gold. She is a very simple person, never asks for much and makes do with whatever she has. I know for a fact that in her life, she only wants me and my brother to be successful and to be happy. 

Even typing up this is making me teary. 

Anyways, sometimes my mother is as clueless as they come. I put some cleaning cream/protector lotion on my shoes the other day and was letting it dry. She hurriedly told me before I left today that will never work and puts it near the heater.. I didn’t think too much about it till I googled it.. putting shoes near the heater will make it crack. I freaked out and logged onto skype just about to yell and do the crazy thing that I do.. here was the convo. 

[10:19:53 AM] ME: IT SAYS NOT TO PUT LEATHER SHOES NEAR HEAT!!!!!! MOVE IT WAY

[10:20:32 AM] MOM: oh,yes good idea
[10:20:58 AM] MOM: have a good day
[10:21:17 AM] ME: you too mom
[10:21:26 AM] MOM: thank you

This almost made me cry. .it was so cute but reflects about how much my mother cares for me and wishes me to have a good day even if I was about to freak out on her (the previous part of this convo was not pasted…lol).

Makes me wonder.. how many moments like this has gone by without me noticing it? The little things really do count and we really need to appreciate it and especially those who care for us. I love you motherrr ❤

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day 22 – Giving Back

As a person, I am very selfish. I like to think to myself that I do things for my family and friends, but in the end, I still put myself first. I think often.. “how can I get better? How do I make more money? How do I make myself a more worthy person?

Recently, the truth hit me in the face. I have come to realize that being a better “person” isn’t just being better at the skills I hone, but it’s about giving back. I have a very dear friend, who for the longest time, I didn’t understand how and why he can dedicate all his free time to help tutoring kids and just volunteering wherever he could. While I used to go out all the time or planning the next party, he was using vacation time to drive all over the city to help kids with homework and doing lectures.

Now, I don’t know if it’s because of my job, or where I am in life, but I have also been tapping into that same question–“how do i give back?” Funny thing is, I applied to a lot of volunteer positions for the sake of getting something on my resume, and none of it worked out. I think the motive of me volunteering was what the problem was–I didn’t like the things I volunteered for, but was only doing it for the sake of doing it.

However, I recently started teaching Chinese at my local temple, and although it is not necessarily the most glamorous volunteer job, I am actually having fun and feeling inherently happy.  I really enjoy helping the kids and it’s a kind of different happiness that has nothing to do with prestige, or recognition or reward. It’s just enjoyable helping others in the moment. Simple as that.

I don’t mind getting up early to help set up and I find myself very humbled by the endless hours that some of the other volunteers put in. It is impressive and so endearing to see how many selfless people are out there.

Of course, on a more personal note, this positions also helps me in the long run as again, having a difference experience such as this helps me become a better person. Although it has only been 3 weeks, I feel that being in such a role allows me to reflect my behaviour. I am more patient with people as dealing with kids is obviously difficult sometimes.. but  learning to set my foot down when they are misbehaving. It is a completely different experience than work or anything else I have done. 

….But let me make it clear though that motherhood is NOT in the picture anytime soon. 

So, as cliche as it sounds, helping others really is a way to happiness. I plan to keep doing this for awhile and continue finding other things that make me happy.. I am still in the search for more fulfilling activities, so stay tuned!

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day 20 – Nights like these

It’s 4 am.

After a great night out with friends at Aladdin (A MUST WATCH), great dinner, coming home, I was so tired and ready to pass out. Instead, I stayed up and listened to all my favorite broadway songs. It’s amazing how each song can bring me to such different moods. 

Yes, it’s bad behaviour to stay up this late, god knows that late nights will make me break out and blah blah blah… but sometimes, you just have to indulge yourself. Let your mind do whatever it wants.. with no thoughts of the responsibilities ahead even for a couple of hours. 

Plus, it’s Friday night.. which means I get to sleep in tomorrow 🙂 Feels like university all over again! 

 

 

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day 16 – Some Things Never Change?

One of my biggest pet peeves about people and about myself is being late. I HATE it when someone is late, it screams rude and unthoughtfulness. (Yes, I know that is not a real word!)

My dad always told me there were 3 types of person in the world 1) The ones who are always early, 2) the ones who are always on time and 3) the ones who are always late. His advice? Always be the first type of person and if that can’t be, try to be second but never ever the third.

Today, I made the mistake of being the third type of person.

Last night, remembering that I had a meeting this morning with my new team, I forgot to check where the meeting room was. Thinking that I would just come earlier on time and checking with the secretary, I slept late last night watching girly Korean TV shows and ended up making a “just on time” train. The meeting was scheduled for 9 and I arrived at 8:50. However, once I confirmed with the secretary, I realized.. I was at the wrong building. If I had just come earlier or checked last night, I would have found out the building I was suppose to be in was only across the building from where I usually worked.

It was now 8:56, and as hard as I ran with my boots across the usual 15 minute trek, I made it in 6 minutes but still arriving late. Being the new person and it being my very first quarterly meeting, I don’t really think I made a great impression. I felt awkward and my current manager made a joke about how he made a note of it. You know that type of comment never really means it’s a joke.

Anyways, my old manager who is now the VP of our standards group also came to speak to us about some of the new standards within the entire audit function, I chatted with her and told her of my story. She laughed and said “oh, some things never change.” That made me feel a bit embarrassed and upset because 1) why did I have to mention it?! and 2) This type of thing really did happen a lot when I was on her team too.

This situation could have entirely been avoided if I was more prepared or if I came even early. Oh, and I realize.. next time, it is better to keep my mouth shut. People already knew I was late, but why do I need to give them the excuse to think I was dumb too? Smart decisions need to be made a bit better in the future. It’s true, I was late, that was already unprofessional enough.. but let’s face it, I am not a kid anymore, I need to own up to my mistakes and not find excuses as why I was late in the first place.

Anyways, rant over, the lesson of the day is: always be prepared, be early and always smile and stay silent if everything else goes wrong.

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day 15 – The 20s Dilemma

This article here captures EXACTLY how I am feeling at the moment. At the pivotal moment of my mid 20s, I feel that the world at my hands, but I can’t seem to grasp it. Thoughts and dreams are flying through my head, but really, making a decision in the end is what really counts. Some of the highlights from the article that  ring especially true with me:

1. The world is trying to keep you stupid. – How true is this? Those who take the time to research, those who take the time to understand something are the ones who win in this world. Save a couple of dollars every month on your transaction fees? Get the best quote on your mortgage rate? These grow and add up and it is up to yourself to make sure you stay on top of these things. Only the uneducated will be fooled.

2. Do not have faith in institutions to educate you. – I think I may have realized this a bit too late. Going to university, getting a university degree, going to get my CA.. none of this makes me happy or makes me successful. I am right now in a job that I don’t really like but i THINK I should be able to suck it up because it will put me in a good place in the future. However, those people that I admire are those who took a risk to do something they like, are passionate about it and can really say they are making it count.. can I say the same? Education really is NOT everything.

5. Don’t waste time being shy – still working on this right now. I think people get shyer as they grow older. Or at least in my case it is. I start thinking a lot more about how I present to myself, what I can say or what I can’t say. In my early twenties, I could play the cute asian girl card, people were willing to help me without me asking. However, now, being shy is not feasible. How many chances did I lose out on being shy? Volleyball, hip hop dance – all of these activities that I did not do because I was shy and talked myself out of it before even trying. Gave up as soon as I thought it was slightly embarrassing. How you present yourself really is everything.

18. Choose something huge to do, 19. Get known for one thing – My biggest fear in life? To be average. To be someone who just coasts through life and to be “okay” does not fly with me. That being said, I am not sure WHAT I still want to do. There, I said it. I am not sure if financial success is what I am looking for, or is it personal success, or is it relationship success? I just know what I want is not be ordinary. I rather be specialized than a jack of all trades. But where do I start looking is still the question? Too many thoughts, too many decisions.. like someone told me.. MAKE a decision and stick with it. This is something I really need to do soon. 

Which of the 20 things you should have known at 20 rings most true with you?

-s

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