The truth is, I have not yet been alone since high school.
I think ever since C, my first “official” boyfriend, there has always been someone by my side. Officially or un-officially, I always had a boy that I could count on. Whether or not it was by choice or falling into it, I am not sure if I know how to be alone.
When I look back at all my relationships, the start, middle and end is always the same. The beginning or the honeymoon phase, It’s exciting with the constant texting/calling and what was better than getting to know another stranger that also wanted to get to know you? Usually this phase will determine whether or not we get into a relationship. Then comes the middle phase or as I like to call it, “the companionship” phase is when I really know the person, I am comfortable with them and there is no restraints as I am not a type of person to hold back. This is also the phase when the restlessness starts. The end phase always ends the same way, me being tired of the relationship or cannot try anymore.
I usually start questioning the relationship somewhere during the companionship phase. “Is he right for me?” “Why don’t I see a future with him?” “Does he not have the qualities that I like?” “I deserve better” My disastifaction with the relationship really starts to set in during this phase but due to an innate fear of being alone or not knowing how, this stage drags on till we hit the end phase.
In my life, I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends. First being C, the puppy relationship in high school that ended up lasting longer than it should. Then came R, who thought I was his soul mate until my constant “we don’t have a future” reminders brought him to the point of cheating. Of course, I would like to say I was a bigger woman and dumped his ass but no, for the fear of being alone, I tolerated him until I found J. The common theme is.. there has been no period where I was alone. I had J before I broke up with R and I think that has always been the case.
This is not to say I never liked or love the person. I just think that I don’t enough thought into who I want to be with because the urge to be with someone or fear of being alone outweighs the cons of whether or not the person is right for me. The regret and doubt always comes later and by that time, I feel like I owe it to give the relationship a chance for how much I have invested into it.
Not knowing how to be alone.. this revelation only REALLY came to me recently. I don’t know how to deal with the feeling loneliness and when I think about it, I slightly panic. But this time, it’s different. I am on a very determined mindset to be alone and REALLY be alone.
Of course, I am still in the middle of an “end phase” right now. J has been the last boyfriend I had. We broke up and during my “1 month” of being single, I missed him and we were trying to work it out again. However, during my 1 month of being alone.. we were still talking every single day. I cannot deny to say I will have feelings for him but there was a reason why we broke up in the first place and that was because we weren’t a good fit.
Until I am happy with myself, content to be myself, I will never be satisfied with the mate I have because I cannot identify what is a good mate when being dependent is all I know. I feel like I owe it to myself and my future whoever to appreciate the relationship rather to blame it for my shortcomings.
In no way do I expect this path to be easy. Especially for someone like me who is dependent on others, I expect to have weaknesses. However, I am determined to give myself a fighting chance because let’s face it, if I don’t do it now, when will I ever be able to do it?