Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Meaning of being alone

The truth is, I have not yet been alone since high school.

I think ever since C, my first “official” boyfriend, there has always been someone by my side. Officially or un-officially, I always had a boy that I could count on. Whether or not it was by choice or falling into it, I am not sure if I know how to be alone.

When I look back at all my relationships, the start, middle and end is always the same. The beginning or the honeymoon phase, It’s exciting with the constant texting/calling and what was better than getting to know another stranger that also wanted to get to know you? Usually this phase will determine whether or not we get into a relationship. Then comes the middle phase or as I like to call it, “the companionship” phase is when I really know the person, I am comfortable with them and there is no restraints as I am not a type of person to hold back. This is also the phase when the restlessness starts. The end phase always ends the same way, me being tired of the relationship or cannot try anymore.

I usually start questioning the relationship somewhere during the companionship phase. “Is he right for me?” “Why don’t I see a future with him?” “Does he not have the qualities that I like?” “I deserve better” My disastifaction with the relationship really starts to set in during this phase but due to an innate fear of being alone or not knowing how, this stage drags on till we hit the end phase.

In my life, I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends. First being C, the puppy relationship in high school that ended up lasting longer than it should. Then came R, who thought I was his soul mate until my constant “we don’t have a future” reminders brought him to the point of cheating. Of course, I would like to say I was a bigger woman and dumped his ass but no, for the fear of being alone, I tolerated him until I found J. The common theme is.. there has been no period where I was alone. I had J before I broke up with R and I think that has always been the case.

This is not to say I never liked or love the person. I just think that I don’t enough thought into who I want to be with because the urge to be with someone or fear of being alone outweighs the cons of whether or not the person is right for me. The regret and doubt always comes later and by that time, I feel like I owe it to give the relationship a chance for how much I have invested into it.

Not knowing how to be alone.. this revelation only REALLY came to me recently. I don’t know how to deal with the feeling loneliness and when I think about it, I slightly panic. But this time, it’s different. I am on a very determined mindset to be alone and REALLY be alone.

Of course, I am still in the middle of an “end phase” right now. J has been the last boyfriend I had. We broke up and during my “1 month” of being single, I missed him and we were trying to work it out again. However, during my 1 month of being alone.. we were still talking every single day. I cannot deny to say I will have feelings for him but there was a reason why we broke up in the first place and that was because we weren’t a good fit.

Until I am happy with myself, content to be myself, I will never be satisfied with the mate I have because I cannot identify what is a good mate when being dependent is all I know. I feel like I owe it to myself and my future whoever to appreciate the relationship rather to blame it for my shortcomings.

In no way do I expect this path to be easy. Especially for someone like me who is dependent on others, I expect to have weaknesses. However, I am determined to give myself a fighting chance because let’s face it, if I don’t do it now, when will I ever be able to do it?

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New Year’s (REALISTIC) Resolutions

It’s 2014, biatches and big things are coming! 

…. is what I would have said if I was still 21 and still had hopeless ambitions on what I want to complete in my year. Honestly, I am not sure what it is about new year’s, it really does instill a sense of fresh and hope for a year when really, the difference between December 31st, and Jan 1st is the same as any other two days in question. 

Well, for me, this year not so much as I had spent the new years in Sunny California and with the time difference there, you could really say I rang in New Years twice this year. Even now that new year has been over for 12 days, I am still holding onto that newness nostalgia we called new years. Of course, I was drunk as heck at that point so that excitement and absolutely thrill I felt at new years could have been contributed to that.

However, back to the real purpose of this post, New year resolutions. A “false” sense of goals that one goes through every  new year, I say false because January is the month you see an overabundance of “resolutioners”  in the gym and lists being put up, give it 2 months and I will not wait 2 hours for a treadmill again. (lying here, I don’t go to the gym.. but I am assuming!) 

So that is it, I don’t want to lull myself into a false sense of resolutions this year beause for 1) the more unrealistic resolutions are, the more unhappy I get as the year goes on because I am no way close to filling them. 2) It is easier to give up on them or by telling yourself ” its okay, they were too hard anyways, next year”. I for no, am not falling into this fallacy again. 

Instead, I have made a pact with a friend to make 5 SMART goals–an idea I got from goal setting at work actually. Yes, I guess those evaluation forms they have us to fill out are quite handy sometimes. SMART stands for “Specific, Measurable, attainable, relevant, and timebound. Here are 5 I think that I would like to accomplish this year: 

1) Learn conversational Spanish – With the help of duolingo, this is actually quite fun.  

2) Run a 10k AND OR Tough Mudder – Well, I finished the Spartan race last year.. how hard can this be, right…? 

3) Learn how to be by myself for a year – From someone who has not yet been single since high school, this may be one of the most difficult tasks at hand. Being alone and being okay with myself are two very different things, I will elaborate on this in another post sometime.

4) Get a USA CPA / some form of a license – I will be receiving my official CA sometime in August (FINGERS CROSSED) and hopefully, I will add something onto this plate. This may need to be refined a little depending on what the next goal as well. 

5) Get a new job by the end of this year – As much as I love my current team, I know for sure I do not want to stay in audit forever. Once I qualify, I hope to leave right away. 

And goals for 2015 (yes, I am THAT ambitious) – 1) find an overseas opportunity 2) Down payment on a house/ life insurance policy or something big. 

Of course, I have also more general goals like: get better posture, be a better family member, eat healthier, be a better person blah blah blah. The way I intend to keep to these type of goals is just to be more aware of what I do when I do it. I have already tried limiting my calories intake and just trying to sit and stand better. 

Goals are hard, no doubt. I think the only way to continue to make sure you are on track is to always monitor them and to not let them slip your mind. Human conditions allows us to make a goal and forget them as quickly as they come. 

2013.. that year end reflection will come another time. For now, let’s focus on 2014! Happy new years, everyone! 

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