day 30 – the shy one

I never thought I was the shy type. My close friends / same age work friends always referred me as the “life of the party” or the outgoing loud crazy Asian girl. I always like a good time and always down to PARTAYYYY.

However, there is a disclaimer note to that. I am only un-shy around certain types of people. First of all, I am unshy around my close friends, obviously. I have the world’s biggest potty mouth and I don’t have filteres when it comes to my friends and family. I am also un-shy around people that I find boring. Okay, let me take a step back. What I mean is people that I perceive as less spontaneous than me–nerdy work people, older adults, people that I don’t perceive as threatening–I feel like I almost gloat around how much fun I have something. Obviously, an issue I will go into more details in a later time. 

Now, who am I shy around then? People that I perceive are powerful and extremely good looking people. Call me shallow, but I definitely have an inferior complex when it comes to this type of people. I feel more nervous, feel small and diminished.. all because I perceive these people to be so much “Better” than me. 

For example, in work environments, I have a very hard time speaking up to managers / senior people that I find intimidating.I will keep thinking and overthink even if I have an opinion to voice. On a more personal level, give a perfect example of the day–there was an extremely good looking guy on the train today. I felt him looking over and smiled at me but I didn’t even have the guts to smile back and I just looked down at my phone the entire time! By the time I looked up again, he was gone.

This is obviously a case of weird confidence / ego issue I have going here. I think maybe I perceive these people to be so powerful/ good looking–qualities that I desire for, that I get absolutely flabberghasted when I am in the presence of these people. I think what I really need to do is start speaking up more. Start with the small stuff, say hi, how do you do, smile, … you iknow, regular people things while keeping in mind that in the end, they are people too. They only have a godly complex because I make them out to be. 

We can keep the eye oogling/ sexy looks for later.

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