Monthly Archives: December 2013

day 33 – Sometimes, it’s about giving a shit.

Everyone has that one friend who is the one who keeps you in check. The one who makes the harsh calls when you can’t do it for yourself, the voice of reason that can really suck and the one who will slap you silly when you are making a dumb decision. That’s my dear friend, D.

A bit of background on D–probably one of the most ambitious smartest people I know. a little bit wimpy when I first met him, but man oh man, is he successful now. In fact, it used to be me giving him the pep talks when he was in a rut and I would like to think I contributed a bit to his ever growing success of a person.

Sometimes, I hate talking to D. Because he is the realest voice of them all. He brings up the harsh facts that I know and SHOULD do but unwilling to face and the warnings that I shouldn’t make dumb choices even if my hand is already on the trigger. But in the end, he makes me want more–because he always tells me “you are one of the smartest people I know, you deserve the best”. 

That’s why it is very hard to tell him the inadequacies I have been feeling lately. The lack of passion, drive, mundane lifestyle that I am facing. I’ve been putting off on meeting him because I know he’s going to give me that look I hate, which translates into “wtf are you doing type of look?” It’s a look we both know well and definitely ignites a heat worthy conversation.

Anyways, I slightly dreaded our meeting today. I knew I would started getting a bit amped up and defensive again but it didn’t turn out that way. In fact, some of the things we talked about were very thought provoking and I ended up feeling better after our conversation. Like he said, life is a marathon, not a race. He knows that I am frustrated with where I am but what I am putting in are stepping stones for a better future. With those words, I felt much better than how I felt this morning. Anyways, I came back from work and he sent me this email:

I can’t speak for you, but maybe you just need that kick in the pants.

 I can puff my chest now and say I had an amazing year, but I will never forget what the trigger point.

 I was so painfully in love with someone, I was compelled to run away when it was unrequited.

 Ultimately, it’s not just about finding your passion or believing in something – it’s about giving a crap and burdening yourself with something. If you’re unwilling to carry someone/something on your back, then that fire will never spark and the fuel you put into growing a passionate fire is just wasted, because it will sizzle.

 SO GIVE A DAMN – someone or something. You don’t need to love everything you do, but it’s important to throw yourself into it.”

There is no advice realer than that.

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day 30 – the shy one

I never thought I was the shy type. My close friends / same age work friends always referred me as the “life of the party” or the outgoing loud crazy Asian girl. I always like a good time and always down to PARTAYYYY.

However, there is a disclaimer note to that. I am only un-shy around certain types of people. First of all, I am unshy around my close friends, obviously. I have the world’s biggest potty mouth and I don’t have filteres when it comes to my friends and family. I am also un-shy around people that I find boring. Okay, let me take a step back. What I mean is people that I perceive as less spontaneous than me–nerdy work people, older adults, people that I don’t perceive as threatening–I feel like I almost gloat around how much fun I have something. Obviously, an issue I will go into more details in a later time. 

Now, who am I shy around then? People that I perceive are powerful and extremely good looking people. Call me shallow, but I definitely have an inferior complex when it comes to this type of people. I feel more nervous, feel small and diminished.. all because I perceive these people to be so much “Better” than me. 

For example, in work environments, I have a very hard time speaking up to managers / senior people that I find intimidating.I will keep thinking and overthink even if I have an opinion to voice. On a more personal level, give a perfect example of the day–there was an extremely good looking guy on the train today. I felt him looking over and smiled at me but I didn’t even have the guts to smile back and I just looked down at my phone the entire time! By the time I looked up again, he was gone.

This is obviously a case of weird confidence / ego issue I have going here. I think maybe I perceive these people to be so powerful/ good looking–qualities that I desire for, that I get absolutely flabberghasted when I am in the presence of these people. I think what I really need to do is start speaking up more. Start with the small stuff, say hi, how do you do, smile, … you iknow, regular people things while keeping in mind that in the end, they are people too. They only have a godly complex because I make them out to be. 

We can keep the eye oogling/ sexy looks for later.

day 29 – those little things

My mother is the mothers of all mothers. Her life is about me and brother–absolutely no lie. She constantly frets about us, wakes up early just to make me breakfast, will call me after work to see if I need a ride… wow, even writing about this makes me feel like I am in middle school again. She constantly nags and bitches about our life habits, but my mother has the heart of gold. She is a very simple person, never asks for much and makes do with whatever she has. I know for a fact that in her life, she only wants me and my brother to be successful and to be happy. 

Even typing up this is making me teary. 

Anyways, sometimes my mother is as clueless as they come. I put some cleaning cream/protector lotion on my shoes the other day and was letting it dry. She hurriedly told me before I left today that will never work and puts it near the heater.. I didn’t think too much about it till I googled it.. putting shoes near the heater will make it crack. I freaked out and logged onto skype just about to yell and do the crazy thing that I do.. here was the convo. 

[10:19:53 AM] ME: IT SAYS NOT TO PUT LEATHER SHOES NEAR HEAT!!!!!! MOVE IT WAY

[10:20:32 AM] MOM: oh,yes good idea
[10:20:58 AM] MOM: have a good day
[10:21:17 AM] ME: you too mom
[10:21:26 AM] MOM: thank you

This almost made me cry. .it was so cute but reflects about how much my mother cares for me and wishes me to have a good day even if I was about to freak out on her (the previous part of this convo was not pasted…lol).

Makes me wonder.. how many moments like this has gone by without me noticing it? The little things really do count and we really need to appreciate it and especially those who care for us. I love you motherrr ❤

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